Season Finale!

I'm sorry for taking so long between post, I meant to write, but I had a friend in town from Nola. There were plenty of thoughts, many lost now to inadequate time management and exhaustion. Anyway, Marcus visited soon after exams, and the week before I returned to work, so I was in great shape compared to the weeks before and ready for some excitement. That week has passed, and I'm back at work, though we'll see how that goes. In the mean time, I've decided that my thoughts are just that... privately held moments of conversation with myself, and so I will not continue to update the blog with continuous post, only critical information or thoughts. I may change my mind in the future, once I have a plan again.

Too Human

First up is the ridiculous story of how I got 8 weeks off. Part of this is to vent, I've been told it will help with the frustration, the other part is my nature, well every one's nature, and secret desire that everyone will know whats happening in my life without me having to actually say it. As if everyone has suddenly downloaded a Rakle/Jane directly into their head. Though this must have a disclaimer... it isn't all PC, these are my thoughts and emotions over my experience, please don't be offended, and please check back, each post has its own voice.
So the first part is actually really boring, it was a normal Monday evening, I was lazy and hadn't cooked, I had just had mediocre sex at best, so Mac and I went out for burgers. On the way to the car, my chest started hurting, I didn't think much of it at the time so we kept going. By the time we reached the restaurant, my breath was stunted. After being reassured several times from my mother and friends that I was a wuss about pain, I went to bed. I awoke a few hours before I was due at work and went to the emergency room. *Side note* Anyone ever been to an ER in New Orleans? You could have bullet holes.... it still takes flippin' hours to get seen... * Anyway, I saw a doctor in like 30 min, flippin' miracle man. We did a few x-rays, sat around with just gown, started losing my sense of dignity, and then... "So it seems that your right lung has collapsed... have you done anything in the past 24 hours to trigger this?" My first thought was stupid Mac, but then I realized that it was after that the pain came. The next 4 hours were pretty much a nightmare. I was told that I was going in for emergency surgery, that I was dumb for waiting 10 hours, that I might have to have a few ribs broken, and the best part, that it wasn't my fault. Wasn't my fault? Its my body, how could it not be my fault? Spontaneous Pneumothorax is the name they gave it. It randomly occurs in fit slender males between 20 and 30 with no previous histories and no obvious trauma. Natural defects in the lining of the lung, growing in clusters similar to grapes, and they popped, dammit. On a work day, during a running and rock climbing day, right before I wanted to start training for the 100 bike ride, when a promotion might be coming up. Just like that life stopped being normal. I was no longer in control, guiding life the way I wanted. I called my boss before i called my mom - how weird. Tell me.... who is more important? Moving on, I then called my mom and Rakle and proceeded t o cry. Now for those of you who know me, I joke about things ending in tears often, but seriously, I balled, then I called myself a pussy and tried to be brave.... and I failed. The doctor came in, attempted to explain what he was going to do, I said yes with no recollection of what was just said, and then they put me under. When I came to, I was frantic, crying, and squeezing a nurse arm, and not in the good way, I had never been put under before and it was a truly disarming experience. I was in a bed, little energy, no one I knew was around. There was a ball with 14 inches of tube going around my ribs feeding medication directly to wounds, and a tube... think jumbo pearl tea size tube in my lungs with suction trying to re inflate the damn thing. There was an I.V. and a morphine drip with the "press here when feeling pain" button. It felt like I had jumped mid episode into someone Else's life. I went from being the one with the plan and control of life, and the one with the answers, to the dependent. I hate that word, I hated what it meant for me, what it force me to do/say. A friend sent out a broad email without my permission informing basically the whole world of what had happened. That same day, a girl from work visited, not a best friend, lover, family... nah... a near total stranger stopped in to say hi and bring me food, and me... I was in my boxers... just my boxers because the rest of me had tubes, needles and sensors everywhere. Yeah, so remember that dream we all had in high school of going up on stage and realized that you are naked, possibly with an erection in front of the assembly?!? That was how I felt. I know I'm in a new city, I can't expect my Ogre, my frenimies... grr..and my family to visit, but strangers were penetrating my comfort bubble. Later, another semi friend stopped in to visit, a very attractive guy from a previous dinner party who I had no real connection to, and with chocolates... Godiva at that... who buys a stranger Godiva??? Eventually my dad made it up to Austin, and he visited a few days, thankfully whenever he was out partying. Mac would visit. A few days past, and I was given permission to walk a little... permission... just thinking about it, the complete surrendering of my life... my will.. my work... all of it meaning nothing because by some fluke or fate, my life was on hold. More than ever I wanted to run, rock climb, swim, fly, and work. But no, this isn't a glamorous movie where I defy the doctors with a speedy and miraculous recovery. I mean I tried. I'm not allowed to fly for a year or two, and I may have to give up my spot on a trip to Costa Rica. I did attempt to run earlier than recommended, and that ended with me on the ground holding myself in pain, cursing my own name. No no, this was/is such an experience. My pride was broken, my hope was diminished, my abilities were castrated, and I've had to find peace with it all. So the days have blended together, days mean nothing, time meaning nothing. I've tried to keep a schedule, but without school, work or commitment to keep time in perspective, it slips away. I find myself staying up till 3ish, and getting up at 10, sometimes napping, but always spending 20 to 24 hours per day alone. I exceeded my phone plan, learned my lesson and kept silent. I exhausted a 200 hour video game, read a novel, watch bad TV, found my inner Martha Stewart, and still there is time I can't spend, so I sit alone wait for time to pass. Please don't worry or think that I've become depressed, quite the opposite, I'm counting down the time till I can return to work!

Thank You For Playing

Welcome! This being the first post, I want to lay a few ground rules, and ideas about this blog. I am a simple man, with silly dreams, odd friends, lots of love, and a bad habit of not doing the right thing. I'm human... So I will hopefully fill these pages with thoughts that I can come back to, and review, learn from myself, maybe learn from others. I want to know how I fit into it all, and I want to know how God fits into my life, despite it being radically different than the people whom I've known. On the other hand, this is about life, and so, there will also be post about games, Princess Peach, Caprica my love, and any other quirks that come along. I ask that anyone visiting to please leave a comment, I want to know who you are, whats going on in your life, random thoughts, so lets begin...